parenting

"Terrible Two's," when you don't have kids, it doesn't mean much.  And I am pretty sure I am not alone in thinking that I would do everything possible to make sure my child would never fall into that kind of catagory.  Well, I had a child and he is nearly two.  And there is some terribleness going on.  Just so everyone understands this, the child is not terrible, its the behavior that accompanies the age and stage.  Also to be clear, it doesn't start at two, it starts earlier.  We started it at about 22 months.  You know those tantrums you see kids have in the grocery store and you think: A) I am glad that isn't happening to me... or B) Why doesn't that parent do anything? Well sooner or later it will happen to you (but in the moment you won't care about the people around you because they REALLY don't matter and their opinions can be shoved up you know where), and that parent probably is doing something you just can't tell because the child is so much louder and more obnoxious.  So back to our fam., Toddler was having a lot of these kind of tantrums and behavioral problems I was at my wits end.  I tried to keep it cool, until "the day they sent the wrong fabric."  That's right, I was on the phone with my mom calmly telling her about Toddler's behavior and when I told her the fabric shop had sent the wrong fabric, I lost it.  Really lost it.  Weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth kind of lost it.  When I could hear her again, I think she said..."Here, talk to your dad..." Now I need to insert some info here, my dad is a psychologist.  Not just a psychologist, a Child Psychologist.  He told me what to do when Toddler had another tantrum.  How to hold him and most importantly to stay calm.  If I could stay calm the tantrum wouldn't last as long and he would calm down faster.  I didn't really think it would be possible.  During these tantrums I would get so mad my heart would be racing just as fast as my child's.  I would get so angry, its hard to describe how angry I would feel, but I was.  I decided to try it.  Luckily, the very next day in the library we had an opportunity to test it.  I am telling you honestly, it worked.  Toddler started a horrible fit in the library, I took him out strapped him in his car seat got in the seat next to him and talked him down out of his fit.  We went back in and we got to stay in for about 5 minutes when he did it again.  Same thing, we went outside to the carseat, talked him down till he was calm and went home.  By the time we got home we were both pretty happy.  It has worked on several occasions.  At first his fits would last quite a while, but now he calms down pretty quickly.  Instead of sending him to the corner (which never worked for us) I sit him on my lap on the stairs and we calm down.  He doesn't like it when I talk a whole lot, but I softly tell him I love him.  Over and over and over.  I let him hear me take calm controlled deep breaths while we sit together.  He stops fighting it and eventually starts to cuddle and give hugs and kisses.  I don't hold him too tight, just tight enough that he can't get away or hurt me.  It has worked really really well for us.
Growing up in my family was different.  I always knew that, but it was normal for us.  We were taught to express ourselves using our feelings.  (Which really helped on the communication issues I had when I got married.)  One of the most common phrases of my childhood was..."I feel disappointed." This was said when we were upset or something.  It was frequently used.  And much to my astonishment, amusement, and horror I found myself telling my two year old that he needed to say "I feel disappointed" when he couldn't have another treat.  Another common phrase used was... "under what conditions can I ..." Then our parents would tell us what conditions had to met in order for us to be able to do or get what we wanted.  Oddly, I have found myself telling my son that certain "conditions" must be met before we can blah blah blah.  It has been so funny to me that these quirky things my parents did snuck into my own parenting.  And come on, he's 2!  All this comes from my dad being a child psychologist.  I love that I can get free counciling so I can be a better parent.
Some more on parenting.  First of all, I have learned so much by becoming a parent.  My little 2 year old has taught me so many things that I never would have learned on my own.  Here is one thing I have learned that most people probably get, but t took me a while.  I don't know who reads this blog so if you don't know me  I think you should know that I am a mormon.  I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints.  I know who I am, and I know God's plan... We are definatly different.  There are so many commandments the Lord has given us that to a lot of people appear restrictive.  I have never really thought it was, but I can be empathatic to something who might think so.  So, parenting and religion, where's the connection?  I tell my son not to run into the parking lot because it is dangerous.  You can't always see where the danger is, but it is there.  It just plain isn't safe to run into the parking lot, play in there or anything like it.  It is a safety issue.  He doesn't understand why I tell him no, and he gets pretty mad at me when I won't let him do it.  However, it is a rule (commandment) that we don't play in the parking lot/street. Lucky for him he has a parent who loves him and wants him to stay safe. Same thing with the Lord.  He set up rules and boundaries to keep us safe.  Spiritually and physically.  When my son runs into the parking lot, we have to go home.  No more fun, he "lost the priveledge" to play or go where he chooses.  When we follow the commandments or the Lord's rules, we have all our priveledges and freedom to make choices.  Lucky for us we have a parent who loves us and wants us to be safe.  I know its true.  My son taught me, he is a very smart 2 year old.